By Stephanie O’Hanlon (Celia Rhodes Photography ~ Image #3)
I didn’t remember what time it was when I started, but I knew I had been walking for hours. It felt like hours. Maybe I was exaggerating that... I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to the time. Time didn’t really matter anymore.
I can tell you it was dark when I started walking. The stars weren’t out anymore, not as I walked along the barren country road. I had walked through town and out into the country so easily. I had no idea where I was going, and I was starting to think I didn’t know where I was. How would I get back home? Then again, I really didn’t want to go back home. I didn’t want to face the pain, not yet, and that’s where the pain was. It was at home, where it had happened. I hoped that it didn’t follow me.
I guess there should be a reason for why I was walking, especially since the snow was starting to fall lightly around me. I was only wearing a large black hooded sweater that zipped up the front, some jeans, and black Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers. It was New Years day, or night rather, so it was cold, a fair bit of snow on the ground. I didn’t know if I even felt the cold.
I think my mind was blank. I felt that pain in my chest. It was like a pulse, a sudden bolt of lightning hitting you square in the chest. Then tears would well up, my entire being sighing in despair. At that moment I wanted to fall deep into nothingness, since my world was crumbling before me.
It was my first relationship, my first love. I think I expected so much more from it, since it ended so quickly. I had always thought it would start like everyone else’s; you like each other, you go out on dates, you fall in love. But that’s not how it started for me.
I mean, sure I had liked him. Who wouldn’t? He was gorgeous! Tall, blonde wavy hair, green eyes, amazing eyelashes that made just about every girl envious. Great body, since he liked to work out. And that voice! His laugh! His laugh always made me want to laugh with him. He was the type of person you could get really silly with. He had been my best friend, even before the relationship.
I felt so lucky that I was the one he wanted...I was the one he loved.
He told me one summer night, but I didn’t really hear him say the words until November. We had one amazing day together before he left. I was looking forward to when he came home, so we would be together. But, that wasn’t going to happen.
I was somewhat mad at him.
“We need to have a little chat.”
What made him think that was the way to go about it? That those words were the right way to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. That he made a mistake. It wasn’t real love, it was friendship love. His heart just “wasn’t in it”.
I loved him. I loved him more than words. I could overlook so much because I was so in love with him, all his problems. We all have problems, issues. I overlooked his demons.
He could have asked me to marry him, and I would have done it. Hell, I’ll admit, I was even planning that in the future. I thought that my friends were right, we would end up getting married. But, not anymore.
I looked down to my feet as a tear ran down my cheek. I think my feet were cold. I knew my fingers were cold. I knew that my heart felt like ice within me. I guess I was a little numb, even as that tear slid down my cheek, kind of hot since my skin was so cold.
I hadn’t done as I did when he broke up with me before, bawl my eyes out, everything in me pouring out. Nope, not this time. But, I think I was starting to feel something. I think it was catching up with me.
Stupidly, I had tried to reason with him. I think I didn’t even realize what he was really saying. He wasn’t saying that we couldn’t be together because he was going to be away. He was saying that he didn’t love me anymore. That he never really loved me at all.
I knew it was going to hit me at some point. I was going to realize how much pain I was in and that would be it. I would cry myself into a coma and not be able to pull myself out of it. I think I could feel myself slipping into it, into despair. I think that was the only word I had for it at that moment.
Despair, sadness, anguish, pain, sorrow, depression...melancholy.
I suddenly felt a sob get caught in my throat. I looked up, looking around in panic, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to fight off the tears that were trying to break through. It had caught up with me. I should have known I couldn’t outrun it.
I stopped at the side of the road, breathing heavily, trying to fight it back. Then the tears welled up, standing in my eyes as I suddenly let out a horrid sob that drained me of everything in me. It caused my legs to buckle, falling to my knees as I gasped for a breath, getting ready for another horrid sob, which quickly became worse than the first.
I leaned back on my knees, sitting on the side of the road, unable to move or think, just sobbing, tears falling down my cheeks as the snow fluttered around me. I don’t know how long I sat there, just weeping until I suddenly started to feel the cold of the ground beneath me, quieting. I held my stomach as I continued to breathe evenly, waiting a minute before I made myself stand up.
The snow was starting to fall faster, the wind picking up and making me shiver. I looked to my left, seeing a broken down barn in the darkness.
Well, I know I’m on the fourth line...just where on the fourth line?
The roof was covered in a dusting of snow, the whole side of it just beams, the grey wooden paneling gone. I needed to get somewhere warm, somewhere I could regroup before I started on my way back. It looked like my only option.
I walked across the field, the snow covering my feet as I made my way to the barn, walking under one of the beams and inside. I sat on a bale of hay, sniffing, my nose stuffed. I could hear his voice in my head, saying those words, telling me that he loved me. They brought me no comfort.
I felt hollow. I felt sort of the like the barn.
Oh, great. Now you’re finding parallels to your misery. Being a writer sucks.
I was bare. I was exposed. I had the wind howling through me painfully.
I sat in the barn until the snow stopped, until the morning started to make the sky lighten. I was cold, my feet and hands numb, my legs shaky, my eyes burning from all my tears. I realized that I had my cell phone in my pocket. I reached in, turning it on, seeing I had several missed calls. My mom, my best friend. I bet they were worried about me, since I just left, not bothering to say where I was going, not answering text messages.
I dialed my home number, putting the phone up to my ear.
One ring. Two rings. “Hello?”
“Mom...”
“Oh my God, sweetheart, where are you?”
“Um, somewhere on the fourth line...I think.”
“You didn’t answer any of my calls, I didn’t know where you were!”
“I know....I’m sorry.”
“Where are you on the fourth line?”
“Um, I don’t know. I’m at that dilapidated barn.”
“I know where that is. I’m coming to get you, don’t move from there.”
“I won’t.”
I didn’t remember what time it was when I started, but I knew I had been walking for hours. It felt like hours. Maybe I was exaggerating that... I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to the time. Time didn’t really matter anymore.
I can tell you it was dark when I started walking. The stars weren’t out anymore, not as I walked along the barren country road. I had walked through town and out into the country so easily. I had no idea where I was going, and I was starting to think I didn’t know where I was. How would I get back home? Then again, I really didn’t want to go back home. I didn’t want to face the pain, not yet, and that’s where the pain was. It was at home, where it had happened. I hoped that it didn’t follow me.
I guess there should be a reason for why I was walking, especially since the snow was starting to fall lightly around me. I was only wearing a large black hooded sweater that zipped up the front, some jeans, and black Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers. It was New Years day, or night rather, so it was cold, a fair bit of snow on the ground. I didn’t know if I even felt the cold.
I think my mind was blank. I felt that pain in my chest. It was like a pulse, a sudden bolt of lightning hitting you square in the chest. Then tears would well up, my entire being sighing in despair. At that moment I wanted to fall deep into nothingness, since my world was crumbling before me.
It was my first relationship, my first love. I think I expected so much more from it, since it ended so quickly. I had always thought it would start like everyone else’s; you like each other, you go out on dates, you fall in love. But that’s not how it started for me.
I mean, sure I had liked him. Who wouldn’t? He was gorgeous! Tall, blonde wavy hair, green eyes, amazing eyelashes that made just about every girl envious. Great body, since he liked to work out. And that voice! His laugh! His laugh always made me want to laugh with him. He was the type of person you could get really silly with. He had been my best friend, even before the relationship.
I felt so lucky that I was the one he wanted...I was the one he loved.
He told me one summer night, but I didn’t really hear him say the words until November. We had one amazing day together before he left. I was looking forward to when he came home, so we would be together. But, that wasn’t going to happen.
I was somewhat mad at him.
“We need to have a little chat.”
What made him think that was the way to go about it? That those words were the right way to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. That he made a mistake. It wasn’t real love, it was friendship love. His heart just “wasn’t in it”.
I loved him. I loved him more than words. I could overlook so much because I was so in love with him, all his problems. We all have problems, issues. I overlooked his demons.
He could have asked me to marry him, and I would have done it. Hell, I’ll admit, I was even planning that in the future. I thought that my friends were right, we would end up getting married. But, not anymore.
I looked down to my feet as a tear ran down my cheek. I think my feet were cold. I knew my fingers were cold. I knew that my heart felt like ice within me. I guess I was a little numb, even as that tear slid down my cheek, kind of hot since my skin was so cold.
I hadn’t done as I did when he broke up with me before, bawl my eyes out, everything in me pouring out. Nope, not this time. But, I think I was starting to feel something. I think it was catching up with me.
Stupidly, I had tried to reason with him. I think I didn’t even realize what he was really saying. He wasn’t saying that we couldn’t be together because he was going to be away. He was saying that he didn’t love me anymore. That he never really loved me at all.
I knew it was going to hit me at some point. I was going to realize how much pain I was in and that would be it. I would cry myself into a coma and not be able to pull myself out of it. I think I could feel myself slipping into it, into despair. I think that was the only word I had for it at that moment.
Despair, sadness, anguish, pain, sorrow, depression...melancholy.
I suddenly felt a sob get caught in my throat. I looked up, looking around in panic, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to fight off the tears that were trying to break through. It had caught up with me. I should have known I couldn’t outrun it.
I stopped at the side of the road, breathing heavily, trying to fight it back. Then the tears welled up, standing in my eyes as I suddenly let out a horrid sob that drained me of everything in me. It caused my legs to buckle, falling to my knees as I gasped for a breath, getting ready for another horrid sob, which quickly became worse than the first.
I leaned back on my knees, sitting on the side of the road, unable to move or think, just sobbing, tears falling down my cheeks as the snow fluttered around me. I don’t know how long I sat there, just weeping until I suddenly started to feel the cold of the ground beneath me, quieting. I held my stomach as I continued to breathe evenly, waiting a minute before I made myself stand up.
The snow was starting to fall faster, the wind picking up and making me shiver. I looked to my left, seeing a broken down barn in the darkness.
Well, I know I’m on the fourth line...just where on the fourth line?
The roof was covered in a dusting of snow, the whole side of it just beams, the grey wooden paneling gone. I needed to get somewhere warm, somewhere I could regroup before I started on my way back. It looked like my only option.
I walked across the field, the snow covering my feet as I made my way to the barn, walking under one of the beams and inside. I sat on a bale of hay, sniffing, my nose stuffed. I could hear his voice in my head, saying those words, telling me that he loved me. They brought me no comfort.
I felt hollow. I felt sort of the like the barn.
Oh, great. Now you’re finding parallels to your misery. Being a writer sucks.
I was bare. I was exposed. I had the wind howling through me painfully.
I sat in the barn until the snow stopped, until the morning started to make the sky lighten. I was cold, my feet and hands numb, my legs shaky, my eyes burning from all my tears. I realized that I had my cell phone in my pocket. I reached in, turning it on, seeing I had several missed calls. My mom, my best friend. I bet they were worried about me, since I just left, not bothering to say where I was going, not answering text messages.
I dialed my home number, putting the phone up to my ear.
One ring. Two rings. “Hello?”
“Mom...”
“Oh my God, sweetheart, where are you?”
“Um, somewhere on the fourth line...I think.”
“You didn’t answer any of my calls, I didn’t know where you were!”
“I know....I’m sorry.”
“Where are you on the fourth line?”
“Um, I don’t know. I’m at that dilapidated barn.”
“I know where that is. I’m coming to get you, don’t move from there.”
“I won’t.”